When Perfection Becomes Toxic… The Secret Underlying Reasons For Shame, Judgment And Self Hate – How To Start Feeling Better And Being Your Own Friend
We’ve all been there. Things have gone wrong and we feel like we should have known better, made different choices, prevented disaster from happening. When we see perfection and just KNOW we’re falling short somehow.
That sinking feeling we get when we “should” have handled some situation, that dread we get when we look in the mirror and wish we looked more like XYZ influencer or supermodel, were more perfect, or the feeling of regret that we hurt someone without meaning to… Or even, lying awake at night weighed down by despair about the state of the world.
We’ve all done it. And as females, most of us have done it over and over. If you’ve been feeling hate for yourself over things you can’t control, whether it’s appearance, health, finances, family, society related or anything else, please put it on hold first of all so we can talk. Let’s explore.
Let me help you out – I’ve had so many clients with these kinds of “impossible” feeling situations. And the biggest thing I’ve learned and I want you to know is, there are always solutions! Sometimes they’re instant, and sometimes they’re more like gradually picking a lock. But there are always solutions.
First of all, know that it’s OK to hate yourself. To feel this way is really normal. There’s nothing wrong with you for being angry or feeling hatred, or being upset. They’re normal human emotions.
So let yourself off the hook for that one. (What a double bind to feel self hate, because you’re feeling self hate? That’s why it’s such a tricky one to shift!)Know that you’re allowed to respond to difficult situations with strong emotions. Now, knowing this, forgive yourself for feeling this way. This in itself is healing. Know that no one is perfect.
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And now, let’s dive deeper. Because this is actually a really common issue. And there are surprisingly “normal” reasons for it.When you hate yourself, it’s actually a huge signpost that there are other things going on behind the scenes. Hate is like your inner self calling for you to recognize that you have a LOT of judgments against yourself.
And the big key here is – they come from somewhere! You weren’t born hating yourself, being mean to yourself or anyone else. No one is. We are taught to hate things, or rather to judge things as wrong. So to really deal with this let’s go further… In order to not only feel better but actually give yourself room to expand into a better situation.
The pattern of self hate nearly always comes from childhood. Most likely you have very high standards of yourself and you feel like you’re not living up to them – that’s where self hatred, shame and guilt comes from. (I’ve been there too, like so many of us!)
Now, first of all, know that those standards are often hidden, so try to figure out in your mind exactly where it is you feel you’ve fallen short. Explain it as if you were saying it to a friend. Often, this reveals judgments so unreasonable that we can breathe more easily when we see that it’s not something we’re to blame for.
And now, who gave you those impossibly high standards? They’re often about ideas of “perfection”. Whether it’s to be a “perfect” mother, have a “perfect” body or face, or to be rich, successful or married by a certain age… Most of these standards come from society and other people. They’re just ideas people have agreed on. And often they’re pushed onto us by advertising and people who benefit financially from our striving to reach them!
Remember this – that someone somewhere told you or taught you that you weren’t enough! That’s where the self hatred comes from. Does that feel slightly different? Do you understand your own reaction now a little more? Maybe you can release it a little?
So now onto a related point. Not everyone hates themselves because they’re not living up to certain ideals. Some people even thrive in the face of it! There’s a difference between people who shrug off the idea of perfection and thrive as who they uniquely are…Happy, vivacious people of sizes 16 and over… Youthful seeming, exuberant 80 year olds… Uneducated people who somehow manage to excel in business over those who spent years in university… People with severe physical disabilities who inspire and lead others with unstoppable positivity.
Again, we’re back to childhood. Our reactions and how we handle the seemingly impossible, also stem mostly from childhood.
So who may have shown or even told you that hating yourself was appropriate? Who around you hated themselves when you were growing up?
When we’re children, we don’t just do what our parents tell us, we model their behavior. It can be something as subtle as having a mother who constantly dieted and complained about her weight.
Or a father who insisted on A grades and nothing else was good enough. Love was withheld unless certain conditions were met. The underlying signals to the child would have been – “I’m not good enough because I don’t fit a certain image, and therefore I hate myself.
As a child you would have picked up on these and modeled them as a behavior, an emotional response.
So in other words, if you hate yourself now – as a child, someone somehow taught you to be mean to yourself. To berate yourself in your inner commentary. It may have been without realizing what they were doing – and remember THEY learned it from someone too!
Above all, it wasn’t your fault. And it isn’t your fault now. Perfection is not natural. Look at nature. Look at how everything in it is “perfectly imperfect”.
The amazing thing is, when you begin to reveal the underlying things that have caused you to hate yourself, for ANY reason… You begin to heal. And you allow more of your inner goodness, your inner essence, inner beauty and gifts to shine forth.
For now, know that you’re allowed to feel this way and it’s likely a very natural reaction to what you’ve been shown and taught. Forgive yourself for hating yourself.
The amazing thing is, when you begin to reveal the underlying things that have caused you to hate yourself, for ANY reason… You begin to heal. And you allow more of your inner goodness, your inner essence, inner beauty and gifts to shine forth. For now, know that you’re allowed to feel this way and it’s likely a very natural reaction to what you’ve been shown and taught. Forgive yourself for hating yourself.
And now, be your own ally a little more. If one of your friends, family members or even your child felt like this, how would you talk to them? Be your own friend. Try to see yourself from the outside.
Know that this is something you can improve, you can become free from self hatred, but it may take a little time. This is really a hidden childhood wound that’s expressing itself in your adult life.
Your Uniqueness And Your Inner Light
This is something most of us struggle with but the amazing thing is, awareness is the first step to healing. You really are a unique and valuable person.
Think of this, of over 7.5 billion people on this planet, only you exist in this exact way. The likelihood of you existing has been calculated to be something like 1/14 trillion. That means, mathematically, you are a miracle!
Try to be a little more forgiving of yourself, release your judgments a little. Pay attention to where the judgments and hate may really have come from. And work to see yourself the way you would a friend or a child.
I know you’re here for a reason. Those who have had a difficult path most often have a very special life purpose. I believe in you.Do comment below – what will YOU be doing to be kinder to yourself moving forward?And as always, I’m sending you love and light for your continued journey
I believe in you!